Day 27: Home Sweet Home

So my first road trip came and went. That wasn't half bad. I went to three new states -- New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. The first one had a few too many smoke stacks for my liking but it produces some delicious strawberries that I don't yet have the teeth to taste. Pennsylvania had a lot of strange grown men wearing Uncle Sam hats (including, I'm embarassed to say, my dad). Maryland is where my Grandma Miles lives, so that was cool. I also stayed in a hotel that had a TV even bigger than the one at home. Too bad I can't focus on what it's playing so all the programs look the same. So TV's boring if you ask me. Cars are better. They bounce around and make me so sleepy.

It's nice to be back, though. I missed my collection of tiny skate shoes.

Day 26: Grandma number 3

I met another grandma today — my third, and I'm pretty sure the last. She has a big cat that kept trying to sit on me but even that didn't stop me from doing what I always do to new people I like. That's right. I took a nap on her. I gotta do this now, while I can, because no one is going to let me do that when I'm a teenager.

Day 26: Puppies!

I was enjoying some brunch with mom and dad when this van pulled up and out came two large, fluffy sheepdogs — they're cute dogs, but they also look like they might smell sorta bad and they get yellow fur around their mouths and that grosses me out a little. Still, they're cute. But what came out after them — 20 times the cuteness! What was it? Sheepdog puppies. Nine of them. They're like stuffed animals brought to life. And I might have adopted all 9 of them if I had money, and had achieved some decision-making ability in the house, and if I didn't think it wasn't a little sketchy to buy puppies out of the back of a van on a street in Philly.

Day 25: The sleep number bed is overrated

So this is the sleep number bed in my hotel. I gotta say, I don't love it. It is far too easily to accidentally deflate the mattress. Been having a good time here in Philly - went out to some restaurants, went shopping, saw a bunch of rowdy soccer fans wearing funny clothes. I thought I was loud but those guys are much worse. Today I'm going to meet the one grandma I haven't met yet. I seem to have a lot of those.

Sorry I'm a little late with this one. I got distracted by cheesesteaks.

Day 24: Hello, Philly!

Today was my first road trip. I came to Philly to taunt these sad humans for getting shut out three consecutive games in New York, against a team that's not even that good. Also I came to show off my shoes. Because they're awesome. Thanks, ladies of MFA!

Day 24: I'd like to speak with the manager

Because I specifically asked for a 3.5 star hotel on Priceline and these are not 300 thread count sheets. I've pooped on better cotton that this, just for fun. Now can someone please help me not slump down further on these pillows?

Day 24: My first dog show!

Today I woke up, was put in that front backpack, then fell asleep in a gently vibrating machine and woke up in a field full of dogs. It was like a dream. And I was so comfortable that I fell asleep all over again when I got there. That's my friend Jack there in the near background. He was really nice but seemed to want to lick my head and my mother says I'm not fully germ resistant yet so I can't let animals lick me as much as I'd like. Moms are no fun sometimes.

Day 23: What are you looking at?

Seriously, don't you have any work to do?

Day 23: At the movies

I went to the movies today. We saw this movie "Babies." It's about babies. I found it refreshing to see that not everyone else in this world is gigantic and constantly making mouth noises. There are other people more reasonably sized, who also crap in their pants, and are unable to move around without the assistance of baby carriers. These other babies are really cute, and I can see why people always want to carry me around because the whole time I kept thinking, 'Damn, babies, you guys are cute. If I was capable of picking things up, I would pick you guys up and carry you around. I might also nibble on your cheeks.'

Say, what's that rattling noise? Is that a colorful thing moving around? I gotta get back to you guys later.

Day 23: Hi Monkey!

So for days now you people have been calling me a monkey and I thought, 'That's cute,' having no idea what a monkey is. So finally someone shows me a picture of a monkey - an ugly, hairy beast with sharp teeth - and all I can think is, 'Thanks. Thanks a lot.'

Henceforth, I am no longer responding to 'monkey.'

Day 22: Ay Dios Mio!

Oh brother is it hot. I know in theory I should like heat, seeing as apparently I came from some place where it is almost always 98.6 degrees — I think they call that place the Congo — but I don't like this heat wave one bit. It makes me all red-faced and fussy and I have to recruit the first ambulatory being who comes by to pick me up and take me to the wind machine. The wind machine helps a little, but it's not ideal in that it makes me blink a lot, and also you have to admit it's sort of scary. I'm told the heat might break tomorrow. I sure hope so or I'm going to have to sleep in the freezer. Also my tomato plants are probably going to wilt.

By the way, it's my third (week) birthday. I'm sure your gift is in the mail.

Day 21: And also the little professor

And sometimes I just feel like kicking back and doing a little reading, like a li'l professor. (And shut up already - I know the glasses are crooked. I need to get them adjusted if I can just find that tiny glasses screwdriver - the one I bought at the check-out lane at the supermarket - in the junk drawer.)

Day 21: I am the baby ninja!

Sometimes I move my hands so fast that they can't be captured by your primitive photography equipment. Like here, playing my bongos.

Day 20: Again with the head biting

Man, I've had so many visitors over the past 18 days. Some days, it feels like I'm a rugby ball in that confusing part of the game where all the guys stand in a line and pass the ball over and over like they're in a bucket brigade. But it's okay usually because I'm a big fan of cuddling. Here's my Aunt Claire. She's been here a few days providing a nice place for naps. She also asked me if I could post a photo of her visit and I figured maybe that wasn't such a bad idea. I mean, I have been sort of hogging the spotlight.

Is my hairline receding? I think I look a little too much like Nick Hornby in his picture.

Day 20: I'm on pins and needles here

I think this is me during the bottom of the 9th. K-Rod really made things interesting there. And by interesting I mean harrowing and horrifying. This guy makes me so nervous that I can't even watch. In the end, he struck out some overly muscled narcissist with crispy orange hair. I don't think people like that guy very much but someone told me he has a portrait of himself as a centaur and I thought that wasn't such a terrible idea. I've got a free wall, so maybe my Aunt Mary can paint me another cool picture - only this time of me as some kind of regal animal. Just not a turtle. That one hits a little too close to home.

Day 20: Will You Please Take a Pitch for Once?!

This is me just after Frenchie took yet another wild swing at a ball out of the zone. I could teach this guy something about discipline. Actually, maybe that isn't my strong suit either.

Day 20: Let's Go Metskees!

So I just heard there's this thing called the Subway Series where the two groups of large humans who wear funny pajamas and attempt to hit a tiny ball play against each other. Someday I hope I can coordinate my limbs enough to hold onto a stick of wood and swing it at a tightly wound ball of twine wrapped in leather. That sounds fun. Anyway, apparently my parents can't agree on which group of these men in pajamas is better. So my friends Bryan and Gael made me this cool onesie that represents my house's split allegiance. I think I probably prefer the orange and blue team but I'm a diplomat, so I wore this to make everybody happy.

Day 19: Got your finger

A lot to report today but I'm tired. So tired. Plus I've got this finger in my mouth so it's hard to dictate to my typist. I'll write more in the morning once I've slept off this milk hangover. Good night!

Day 18: WHEEEEE!

Okay, so that was awesome. Up until now this "bath time" has been pretty terrible. I was stripped naked and laid on a metal table under kleig lights while one or another of these "parents" rubs me with lukewarm water until my lips turned blue. But this "bath" was a whole other story. It was great. It was maybe the best thing I've done yet! For a minute I was mad about the naked part but before I could screech much I was in this warm liquid, just floating around, kicking my arms and legs, and it felt really soothing and fun and … you know, it reminded me of something that I just can't quite put my finger on. I gotta stew on that some more. I also think I'll sign up for water aerobics at the Y.

Go Mets.

Day 17: Note to BP

I read a story about a turtle that was rescued from an oil spill in Mexico in the '80s and transplated to the US Gulf Coast and he was living a happy middle-aged turtle life until a whole other spill endangered his life and this is the face I make when I think about that. I relate a lot to turtles because I sort of look like one but even if I didn't I'd make this face at anyone who works for BP, or Halliburton, or that other company that made the crappy oil platform. I'd also make this face at Sarah Palin. And Derek Jeter. And my stewards for taking me to a sushi restaurant when I just wanted to nap on some boobs. You won't make that mistake again, will you?

Day 17: Life imitates art

Do you know that famous portrait of Napoleon? Because that's totally what I'm doing here. Except I couldn't find one of those hats that looks like an apple turnover. So I wore a pillow instead.

Day 16: Holla!

I'm still awake, suckas!

Day 16: Where did I put that binky?

It's driving me nuts. Nuts! It was in my mouth and then it wasn't and I can't for the life of me figure out what happened.... Oh, wow, I'm getting sort of sleepy. What were we talking about? Maybe my sweet new plaid overalls. My Aunt Claire brought me those, along with this navy blue hat with some letters on it that my dad said I'm never to wear out in public. He says only bankers with soul patches should wear that hat. Instead, I'm supposed to wear only orange and blue caps. And Keith Hernandez jerseys. I'm also still thinking a little about last night's Idol. I like the lady with the hair that looks like rope but I think I want that paint salesman to win. He's alright. My only beef is with the spelling of his name. It should be Dewise. That's a real name. DeWyze is the way a teenager would revise the spelling to make his name seem more metal. Because obviously Z and Y are the metal-est letters in the alphabet, in that order. Come to think of it, maybe that's the point? If I was 14 and playing bass in a metal band my name would totally be Tzarley.

Day 15: Got your nose!

I told you I was hungry.

Day 15: A few talking points

1. It's my (two week) birthday. Let's just get that out there and move on. I'm not expecting gifts but I won't turn them away.

2. Sayonara Casey James. I mean, seriously - how did that dude stick around so long? I recognize that he's good looking and all but I also wouldn't have peed on you if you told me he was a handsome middle-aged woman. Granted, I can only see a few inches in front of my face.

3. Thank god this pillow is here or I'd be all kinds of sideways right now.

4. My caretakers apparently got me a new present. It's called a Miracle Blanket. I love miracles! I heard someone say that I was a miracle, which I think means maybe I arrived on a ray of light emanating from the heavens. Or is a miracle the thing really tired people see in the desert? Speaking of the desert, I'm hungry.